Contemplation of Bad Boys, Romance, and Life during the Spirit of Christmas

So I have been home for my Winter Break from college for about a week and a couple of days now. The thing about being back in my home town for a while is that I am away from my job at the college library, school, and my life in Brockport in general…is that I tend to do a lot of thinking about my life and the idea of life in general. I also read a lot of stories as much as I can cram into a vacation, since when I’m in school, I don’t get a chance to read the tales that I want. I can’t even bring any of my beloved novels to school to sit in my dorm, because they are like candy that taunts me and whispers that I should forgo the boring stuff that I have to read for my classes and read them instead. Besides reading, I listen to my music while reading lyrics and also watch movies (sometimes trying to obtain what trivia about the movies that I can). Pretty much, I sit around my parents’ house or my sister’s and relax while filling my mind with images and words of things that may help with the stuff I one day write and also it gives my mind something interesting to chew on at times.

Here’s the thing: THINKING CAN BE GOOD AND BAD!!!

So it’s Winter Break, right? And like I have said, I’ve been reading and watching the tube for the most part. With it being winter and last week was Christmas, the television was overflowing with holiday movies and specials. One of the things that the Chiller channel did on Christmas day was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. The marathon made me a happy girl the other night (had it recorded), to be watching while I read a collection of supernatural or dark kind of stories, and walking around the house in the new boots that my mom had gotten me for a present that are black and have a country-rocker-esque vibe to them. I know, I’m an odd girl, especially since it’s a Christian-based holiday season and I am a Christian myself, but I also love the dark-edged part of life. I even have a friend that has said that even though I am so far from literally being it, I should go Goth, because I can pull it off with the way I sometimes act, talk, and dress (I do an amazing job with the rocker/Goth eye-makeup look. I also have an ex-roommate that said that I wasn’t totally everything that I seemed because I decorated and dressed with lots of color, like blue, purples, and pinks…and then had a streak of blackness in it all…she often questioned whether I was emo or not, which could or could not be true. You never know. Anyways, I was watching the Buffy marathon and it was something that always gets me to wondering…also brought forth to the front of my mind a song a wrote approximately a year ago, but the lines that came to my mind were the ones that had formulated while I was still in high school. It has something like: I want a love like Buffy and Angel, Ross and Rachel…but that’s not for you nor me, only for the silver screen and between the pages of books in a library. But seriously, it gets you wondering about the men we fall for; some are good like that Riley guy…clean cut, smart, dashing, can walk in the daylight, will take care of you…an all-American kind of guy like most fathers would love for us to fall for. Then there is the other guys, the bad boys which for the girls that were brought up well and taught to go for the all-American guys (our fathers may want us to be with the doctors, lawyers, or soldiers of today…which tends to make some of us want to hit our heads against something hard). The bad boys on the show are generally represented through Angel and Spike, right?

They’re vampires one would say, so that is why they are considered the bad boys. Give me a break, and look past the pointy teeth that seems to be so popular these days and look at the men they are and not the figures of pop culture. Now, let me mention that Cosmopolitan magazine had a done a video interview with Ian Somerhalder who is a decent actor (may know him from Lost, Life as a House, The Vampire Diaries), and he mentioned that there are two types of bad boys. Boys that have a dark exterior: brooding, write poetry, blah blah blah. And boys that are just plain assholes with a dark outside that draws you in, but won’t go anywhere in life and their only point on this earth is to make your life hell since they have nothing else to do during their existence. Okay, yes, I am paraphrasing…come on, I watched the video about a month ago and cannot remember the exact words; the thing is, Ian had a good point. I’m seeing this more as I watch the shows, or as I am watching/listening to people around me. Angel was the bad boy that Buffy was actually able to settle with kind-of, except that there was that constant excuse that things wouldn’t work since he was immortal and she would grow old, or that hours of the day didn’t coincide (you know, the typical vampiric excuse haha), and the biggest excuse or…let’s call it a massive wall that always put the breaks on things: the fact that they couldn’t copulate because he would lose his soul and go serial-killer on the whole town. Angel was a good guy underneath though, aside from everything that was always in their way, at least when he had his soul. The soul was the essence of him being good, but it showed that beneath the pointy bloodsucking fangs (the dark-exterior), there was something that a girl could really work with underneath. No, I am not saying lets change a man to be everything we want and desire and who is no doubt probably the best thing you could ever get in bed…. I’m saying, that not everyone understands someone, because they judge the person for their past and who they are on the outside; they don’t look beneath and see the good.

Okay, yeah, I have an “Angel” in my life and sort of always have…just never have gotten to be with him, because we have some walls and there always is an excuse as to why things may not work out. I.e. me Buffy, him Angel…except I’ve never taken a sword through him or tried to take a wooden stake to his heart or whatever. I’m just saying, it sort of all makes sense; I could be delusional, but at least I’m trying to work with what I’ve got to try and understand things a little better. Today, he asked me for the millionth time on whether or not I thought we would ever really work as a couple, because we have little in common on the majority of things, and we are from such different worlds. Oh, yay for the different sides of the track dart given by life that drives a person insane. However, so many seem to think that the different sides of the track thing doesn’t work and that we are supposed to only look at those we have a lot in common with; I’ve got news for you, that’s bullshit, because this bad boy treats me ten-times better than the piece of shit that I dated in high school. The guy I dated back then was kind of the scrawny, Native American version of the all-American good guy that I was supposed to be with. He was smart, funny, good-looking, he cared about me and was always there…guess what, that piece of shit cheated on me the first time we dated and didn’t tell me until the second time we dated, which happened to be when I realized I was in love with him. No, it wasn’t infatuation; I’m one of those people that actually wait to say I love you until I realize it…if it was infatuation, I wouldn’t have waited until November of ’08 to tell him, instead of the January we had first gotten together. And here’s something else, the all-American kind of guy type doesn’t last either, because even after we finally broke it all off for the last time, he had remained my best-guy friend; I could still go to him and all of that; then when I started my sophomore year of college, he became a jerk. My bad boy friend that I previously mentioned…yeah, he’s much more of a gentleman than the Savage (I generally hate derogatory terms, but it still bothers me to think about him sometimes, because the betrayal of him as my friend hurts more than the dating problems we had).

Back to the Buffy and bad boy talk…Angel was the good bad boy…Spike was the bad boy that wasn’t going anywhere in his life. The chip that later got implanted in his brain and then going to get his soul back was just trying to make him into the second Angel. Replicating a person doesn’t work…and he couldn’t even become the second Angel, because later on in the series, he attempts to rape Buffy even though he apparently he claimed that he loved her. Yes, James Marsters was a yummy vampire when he was Spike and the scenes between him and Buffy were hot…but that is the way of the bad, bad boy like in Ian’s categorizing. He was simmering on the outside that made someone want to become a vampire or whatever so that they could jump his bones. He was altogether bad; stuck in his ways, he was not going to go anywhere (hello, Drusilla left him because he was awful and redundant), and his sole purpose in life and on the show was to make a woman’s (Buffy) life absolute Hell.

Alright, so in the spirit of Christmas, I watched the Muppet version of Charles Dickens’ beloved classic. Like in all of the movie representations of the book, The Muppet Christmas Carol had the three ghosts aside from the dead friend. The ghost of Christmas past (was a representation of a young girl). The ghost of Christmas present (a fat dude that likes to eat). And of course, the ghost of Christmas yet to come (the Grim Reaper). I think that the classic was something good to watch, or if you would prefer to read it…at the time of Christmas and the New Year. It makes you think about what is in your life—what’s good and bad, what can you do to make changes, what is important to you, and what do you want to come. So now, I am stuck thinking about that; much of what I have to think of is the romance/love part of my life which seems to never be good. I have had two boyfriends in my past, plus a few other frogs of which of have had connections with; my bad boy is the only one from back then that doesn’t tarnish the three years of which I have been really in the dating world. I have no boyfriend at present and I don’t think I will any time soon, mostly because I am such a workaholic and my schooling has seemed to take over most everything. I also don’t seem to have a lot of suitors, but oh well. Maybe I’m not supposed to have love right now, I don’t know. Like I said, I think way too much when I am on break, and I don’t have my job to drown my thoughts and feelings like I do during the semester. Yes, I love working, because it helps me numb everything (remember what I said about thinking being good and bad? Mhm). And the future…well, I plan on moving down to Nashville, Tennessee when I graduate (that’s what my plans are focused on for now). I’m going to continue working on my song writing, I even have a friend in Brockport that I have classes with that has offered to help me learn my guitar, even though she hates country music—got to love Elizabeth; and my short stories/novels. I’m going to look for a decent paying job, get my own place, and start paying off my student loans. Yeah, the only things I see in my future are really getting my life started and working on my career. No, I’m not a person who is driven by their career, so I’m not sure what to do, or think, when it comes to my future; not only do I want my career and independence, I also want love and to have kids and all of that. I want it all. Do I see a relationship or more than one in my future though? Am I going to finally get together with my bad boy friend? Am I going to be well-known for my writing and possibly my music? Will I do well when I someday move? All of these questions and more are hopping around in my head, and here’s the thing to all of them…the most common thread: I don’t know the answer, and the answers that I come up with here and there, they flip-flop in my mind; there is no solid answer.

Anybody have a magic eight ball that is known for giving correct answers, or someone that can read the future without trying to swindle you? I’m kidding. I don’t need one, because the great thing about not knowing everything that is going to happen is that you don’t take away from the adventure the Fates present you with, and you also don’t get to really learn from the mistakes or experiences you go through. So when the clock strokes midnight on Friday night and it becomes the beginning of my third decade, I won’t have someone to kiss as is usual for New Year’s Eve for me, but hey…I get a new year to play with. Goodbye mistakes of 2010, I’ve learned and used a lot from ya’ll…but I’m ready for a different beginning and start in my life.

On the left is Spike and on the right is Angel...God, I love a man with dark hair dressed in black...just saying =)

 Found the Ian Somerhalder video interview I mentioned, make of it what you will:

And here is the trailer for The Muppet Christmas Carol; as with most Muppet movies, it's cute and should be watched...remember what Tiny Tim says, it's one of the most important lines of the tale!!!=D

The End of a Semester

So it is the end of my third semester in college and everyone is leaving or already left college to head home for their winter breaks. I don't know about others, but my nerd antics generally tend to make me love a good education, and I am generally quite open to learning or experiencing new things.  As a writer, I like that anything that I do or learn, I can one day incorporate into what I write.  Writers write what they know, whether it be something obscure or minuscule or whatever. I however, have spent the entire semester trying to wrack my brain to figure out if there is something that I have actually learned from the classes I took; I'm not really sure that I have...unless it is all buried deep in my subconscious just to come out when I'm in old age talking to people and telling them about what they can gain from knowing some dead philosopher's view on anger (I just learned it this semester, and have already forgotten the name, even though approximately three people in my introductory class gave a presentation on it).

I took five classes this semester, and don't know how much any of them really provide a use to me aside from getting me a step closer to graduation two in a half years from now.  Two of them were towards my Creative Writing major and one for my Women and Gender Studies minor...yay, check check and check on the list of completion. Let's see here: Intro to Philosophy was a total bore aside from the random Youtube videos we would watch before class began almost everyday (should go look for college guys singing Lady Gaga, that was probably the best video we watched and that actually sticks in my head, unlike the videos we watched on Theism versus Atheism.  Another cute video that is good just to give a small smile for your day is one that concerns a shell in shoes. Seriously, check it out).  I am not a person who totally loves to argue, so learning fallacies just goes straight over my head and a complete waste of my time.   Really, the only thing most of us got from weeks on that subject is: It's immoral because it's immoral; pretty much, all double-negatives. The only plus was that the teacher was nice instead of like some douchebags that I have encountered before, and wasn't one of those philosophers who try to force you to change your views.  He was actually nice and sometimes entertaining, and a young professor (anyone want a teacher that's easy on the eyes?).  So if you actually do like philosophy and think that you can grasp the concepts, then yeah, I would suggest taking Intro with Alex Krantz...he'll try to make sure you pass too.

Poetry writer's workshop...yeah, that class sucked so much for most of us that I literally created a Facebook group half way through the semester so that we could all bitch, moan, and make fun of everything.  The group was also a lot easier then trying to depend on everyone to communicate on the classes internet page.  Poetry is not that challenging for many people that read a lot and have been writing poems or songs for more than half of their life (like me).  The teacher was weird, at least I can say it in a good way. Seriously though, like my friend Jamie from class said when I stopped by her jewelery sale the last week of classes...we handed in our stupid portfolios that all of us bullshitted revisions for, stop making us stay there longer when we have better things to do with our time.  We don't want to sit there reading the revisions to the rest of the group and get irritated into the readings because you otherwise start giving oral versions of long dead poets in disturbing accents.  I really don't think that they spoke like that, and I would rather jump out the third story window into a snow bank then listen to you. I wanted to learn new forms of writing poetry...not learn that people who are snobby little sticks that sit on their laptop the entire class think that they are better and find fault in every line and stanza.  I already new that people can be asses, there's really no need to take a class when I can be an ass to my own work.  If I want others' opinions on a piece, I'll ask...but I DON'T CARE! When I take a writing class, I want to be challenged...I don't learn anything if I am not somewhat challenged; and the only poem that we did that helped me actually progress a bit was where we had to steal words and write in a certain pentameter; the teacher only did that once though, and so I pretty much spent no time or work on anything after that. The poem that I was challenged with however, was a very good sensual piece that pretty much a lot of people liked and got laughs out of (one of my friends that hate love poems even liked it, and I also got to show off my mythology background). The poem actually got rewritten shortly after and taken after the pentameter scheme and was submitted to my college's literary magazine...maybe it will get published in it, maybe it won't, either way, I'm pretty damn happy with what I came up with.

I can say however, with my other English class, I found a whole new level of the word "Romantic." Here's the news with that...it ain't mushy gushy stuff that makes me want to vomit like St. Valentine's day does.  I actually learned that it is being a nonconformist, becoming an individual, and what human "nature" and the idea of a soul actually may consist of.  I seriously had never heard of this Pre-Civil War movement until now, and it's rather intriguing to say the least...for what I was able to grasp anyway.  I'm actually trying to work on my twelve page research for that class that is supposed to be due by tonight via turnitin.com, and I'm not getting very far...I think because I spent all of last night trying to work on the two short papers I also had for this class; and my brain is totally fried after a semester of school and little sleep.  My professor for that class though, he is quite understanding and willing to work with you to get to where you want to go in the mind-set; like for instance, we finished off the class with Nathaniel Hawthorne's The House of the Seven Gables, which was actually the book furthest from essay-formatted writing we have read all semester.  And aside from the books by Fern and Douglass, the only one that I could actually get into and get something out of. Anyway, Garvey (my prof), had one whole idea of direction in and thoughts on this book...and after a semester with my class, now has a completely different view (we pretty much pulverized his original view and forced him to look at it in a less romantic way). Anyway, I'm working on my research paper, which I have a solid idea of what I want to work with, but I am having a hard time figuring out what to write on the paper and the number of pages looms over my head; I hate that, and I plan on getting the paper done before I head to my parents this weekend...but if I don't get it done by exactly 10pm tonight, fuck it. I'm going to make it a decent paper and fuck to the deadline.  I actually like the topic (Fanny Fern's Influence on Feminist/Women Writing); I love how my subject breaks so many of the social standards in her time, and is actually one of the reasons why women like me or even other writers in general, are able to get away with writing the way that we do (full of bluntness, cynicism, and sarcasm...alas, a woman after my heart!). I will always remember this class at least, and if the opportunity arises to work with Garvey again, I will...he makes me laugh my ass off with his comments such as how "we are just like monkeys that get to drive cars" and that he "has a right to be stoned" even though he was, and was just fighting pneumonia.  And I believe that he is the first teach since high school that has yelled at me for my non-wavering stare while he talks.

I also took a psychology class this fall semester because to me, it is the easiest science and I love learning about the human psyche.  How else can we learn to understand ourselves, others, or the characters we make if we don't know what makes them tick?  Anyway, it was one of two of my first night classes ever, and dealt with the subject of Adolescence.  You want to learn about your teenagers, or be forced to think about who you were in high school...then great way to start thinking about it. I wanted to hide my head amongst the what, hundred or so students in the lecture hall, when he talked about family or dating/relationships.  Chuck was a riot to listen to, even though he sometimes talked about things I did not see how they related to the course (Ed from that talking horse show back when my parents were kids, and his days in the military...), but even though the three hours once a week were hard to stay awake with since it was my longest day, I actually really liked the course, and it started opening up some of the past information I have learned in the past in a slightly larger emphasis.  Now if only I could have shushed some of those people that didn't shut up and just loved to hear themselves talk....I'm sorry, but to the one girl: you ain't the only farm girl out there, so don't joke yourself into thinking that you are so special; girl with the laptop lying that she wasn't on facebook: you don't know what the heck you're talking about, and no one even cares...we would have learned more if I had the chance to duct tape your face; and poor poor Henry...you should have known better after the cat warning that one night on opposing Chuck right off (but if you're interested, I know a girl perfect for you).

Finally, I took Victimology...which was by far the best class I took all semester and wish I could continue delving deeper into the subjects.  Yes, I left almost each class wanting to cry or throw up my dinner, but for someone that is carried by their emotions and cares a lot...it struck home.  It helped me get a little bit over my fear/detestation of cops and allowed me to ride around my town for a few hours in the front of one of the cop cars and learn a lot...granted, it was awkward for the fact that almost every person the officers mentioned, I happen to know or have heard of.  Yay for living in a small town and having a large family in which everyone knows you, even if you don't know them.  And aside from the obvious and most common sensical reasons, I NEVER want to get raped or have anyone get raped, because seriously...have you heard of the steps that you go through to have a rape test done...? I sat there cringing at the number of hairs that get yanked.  But aside from that, I know some things I didn't before, and if my writing career isn't everything I love or maybe just because...I seriously am contemplating volunteering in a crisis center of some kind or seeing what I'd have to do to become an advocate....

Like with every semester, I have made new friends, had a few laughs...but will jumping to the ceiling with excitement once I send in this last paper for the Fall.  When you and your friends start taking laser pointers and shine them across the way into other buildings (causing some people to start dancing or waving from their windows) or you sit in the common room for "story time" listening to bloopers from papers, exams, and whatever that someone compiled into a book to show just how stupid us college students can become, you know that you are going beyond the point of caring and super stressing...into the point of bridging insanity because your brain is just starting to stutter from all of the pressure.  The sad thing is, is that after a week off school, we will all be screaming to leave our home towns and beg to come back to the school, because we want our freedom, independence, parties, and away from the negative hold-you-downers from where we once went to high school.  I cannot wait to get back to my parents so that I can just take Benedryl and sleep for a few days, and see my favorite nephew who is the main reason I smile and makes me remember what makes life worth living, and maybe see some of the few friends I actually have maintained and still like...and then celebrate my favorite holiday even though I may sometimes be a scrooge, and then usher in the new year...because, I don't know about anyone else, but I love the idea of a new beginning or new start...and even if I didn't, I cannot wait for 2010 to be over, and have that year of mistakes or anxiety and whatever else...behind me.  On the other hand...I want the five weeks off to go by fast so that I can be back with my college buds and do whatever I please, and my other reasons; I know I will be going on my other extreme of insanity after just a couple of days back home...but what is home anyway anymore, 'cause I haven't felt like there is ONE home for me anymore since I started college over a year ago...I'm split...but I can tell you one thing...I will find that when I graduate, even if I've got to make it.

To those of you that go to college, enjoy your break off school while you can...you won't have that many more, and will one day not really have breaks unless you opt to not have a job.

To those of you who have family in college, enjoy them while they're home...because you don't know how much they will be around when they say so long to college and decide to move half-way around the world or something.

And to any of you in general, have a good holiday season. Enjoy those that you love, those that care...realize what you have to be thankful for. Take stock of what matters and maybe what you want down the road. Remember that Christmas ain't about taking and all of the materialistic things that stores want us to believe and that some have forgotten...it is about giving, love, family, friends, and knowing that even the little things matter. Whatever your background or whatnot, your human and there are people who have some things that you do not and you may take for granted, so don't take it for granted for one day if you can help it. 

Love what you have; dream for a future, and 2011 will be here before you know it.