Here’s the thing: THINKING CAN BE GOOD AND BAD!!!
So it’s Winter Break, right? And like I have said, I’ve been reading and watching the tube for the most part. With it being winter and last week was Christmas, the television was overflowing with holiday movies and specials. One of the things that the Chiller channel did on Christmas day was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. The marathon made me a happy girl the other night (had it recorded), to be watching while I read a collection of supernatural or dark kind of stories, and walking around the house in the new boots that my mom had gotten me for a present that are black and have a country-rocker-esque vibe to them. I know, I’m an odd girl, especially since it’s a Christian-based holiday season and I am a Christian myself, but I also love the dark-edged part of life. I even have a friend that has said that even though I am so far from literally being it, I should go Goth, because I can pull it off with the way I sometimes act, talk, and dress (I do an amazing job with the rocker/Goth eye-makeup look. I also have an ex-roommate that said that I wasn’t totally everything that I seemed because I decorated and dressed with lots of color, like blue, purples, and pinks…and then had a streak of blackness in it all…she often questioned whether I was emo or not, which could or could not be true. You never know. Anyways, I was watching the Buffy marathon and it was something that always gets me to wondering…also brought forth to the front of my mind a song a wrote approximately a year ago, but the lines that came to my mind were the ones that had formulated while I was still in high school. It has something like: I want a love like Buffy and Angel, Ross and Rachel…but that’s not for you nor me, only for the silver screen and between the pages of books in a library. But seriously, it gets you wondering about the men we fall for; some are good like that Riley guy…clean cut, smart, dashing, can walk in the daylight, will take care of you…an all-American kind of guy like most fathers would love for us to fall for. Then there is the other guys, the bad boys which for the girls that were brought up well and taught to go for the all-American guys (our fathers may want us to be with the doctors, lawyers, or soldiers of today…which tends to make some of us want to hit our heads against something hard). The bad boys on the show are generally represented through Angel and Spike, right?
They’re vampires one would say, so that is why they are considered the bad boys. Give me a break, and look past the pointy teeth that seems to be so popular these days and look at the men they are and not the figures of pop culture. Now, let me mention that Cosmopolitan magazine had a done a video interview with Ian Somerhalder who is a decent actor (may know him from Lost, Life as a House, The Vampire Diaries), and he mentioned that there are two types of bad boys. Boys that have a dark exterior: brooding, write poetry, blah blah blah. And boys that are just plain assholes with a dark outside that draws you in, but won’t go anywhere in life and their only point on this earth is to make your life hell since they have nothing else to do during their existence. Okay, yes, I am paraphrasing…come on, I watched the video about a month ago and cannot remember the exact words; the thing is, Ian had a good point. I’m seeing this more as I watch the shows, or as I am watching/listening to people around me. Angel was the bad boy that Buffy was actually able to settle with kind-of, except that there was that constant excuse that things wouldn’t work since he was immortal and she would grow old, or that hours of the day didn’t coincide (you know, the typical vampiric excuse haha), and the biggest excuse or…let’s call it a massive wall that always put the breaks on things: the fact that they couldn’t copulate because he would lose his soul and go serial-killer on the whole town. Angel was a good guy underneath though, aside from everything that was always in their way, at least when he had his soul. The soul was the essence of him being good, but it showed that beneath the pointy bloodsucking fangs (the dark-exterior), there was something that a girl could really work with underneath. No, I am not saying lets change a man to be everything we want and desire and who is no doubt probably the best thing you could ever get in bed…. I’m saying, that not everyone understands someone, because they judge the person for their past and who they are on the outside; they don’t look beneath and see the good.
Okay, yeah, I have an “Angel” in my life and sort of always have…just never have gotten to be with him, because we have some walls and there always is an excuse as to why things may not work out. I.e. me Buffy, him Angel…except I’ve never taken a sword through him or tried to take a wooden stake to his heart or whatever. I’m just saying, it sort of all makes sense; I could be delusional, but at least I’m trying to work with what I’ve got to try and understand things a little better. Today, he asked me for the millionth time on whether or not I thought we would ever really work as a couple, because we have little in common on the majority of things, and we are from such different worlds. Oh, yay for the different sides of the track dart given by life that drives a person insane. However, so many seem to think that the different sides of the track thing doesn’t work and that we are supposed to only look at those we have a lot in common with; I’ve got news for you, that’s bullshit, because this bad boy treats me ten-times better than the piece of shit that I dated in high school. The guy I dated back then was kind of the scrawny, Native American version of the all-American good guy that I was supposed to be with. He was smart, funny, good-looking, he cared about me and was always there…guess what, that piece of shit cheated on me the first time we dated and didn’t tell me until the second time we dated, which happened to be when I realized I was in love with him. No, it wasn’t infatuation; I’m one of those people that actually wait to say I love you until I realize it…if it was infatuation, I wouldn’t have waited until November of ’08 to tell him, instead of the January we had first gotten together. And here’s something else, the all-American kind of guy type doesn’t last either, because even after we finally broke it all off for the last time, he had remained my best-guy friend; I could still go to him and all of that; then when I started my sophomore year of college, he became a jerk. My bad boy friend that I previously mentioned…yeah, he’s much more of a gentleman than the Savage (I generally hate derogatory terms, but it still bothers me to think about him sometimes, because the betrayal of him as my friend hurts more than the dating problems we had).
Back to the Buffy and bad boy talk…Angel was the good bad boy…Spike was the bad boy that wasn’t going anywhere in his life. The chip that later got implanted in his brain and then going to get his soul back was just trying to make him into the second Angel. Replicating a person doesn’t work…and he couldn’t even become the second Angel, because later on in the series, he attempts to rape Buffy even though he apparently he claimed that he loved her. Yes, James Marsters was a yummy vampire when he was Spike and the scenes between him and Buffy were hot…but that is the way of the bad, bad boy like in Ian’s categorizing. He was simmering on the outside that made someone want to become a vampire or whatever so that they could jump his bones. He was altogether bad; stuck in his ways, he was not going to go anywhere (hello, Drusilla left him because he was awful and redundant), and his sole purpose in life and on the show was to make a woman’s (Buffy) life absolute Hell.
Alright, so in the spirit of Christmas, I watched the Muppet version of Charles Dickens’ beloved classic. Like in all of the movie representations of the book, The Muppet Christmas Carol had the three ghosts aside from the dead friend. The ghost of Christmas past (was a representation of a young girl). The ghost of Christmas present (a fat dude that likes to eat). And of course, the ghost of Christmas yet to come (the Grim Reaper). I think that the classic was something good to watch, or if you would prefer to read it…at the time of Christmas and the New Year. It makes you think about what is in your life—what’s good and bad, what can you do to make changes, what is important to you, and what do you want to come. So now, I am stuck thinking about that; much of what I have to think of is the romance/love part of my life which seems to never be good. I have had two boyfriends in my past, plus a few other frogs of which of have had connections with; my bad boy is the only one from back then that doesn’t tarnish the three years of which I have been really in the dating world. I have no boyfriend at present and I don’t think I will any time soon, mostly because I am such a workaholic and my schooling has seemed to take over most everything. I also don’t seem to have a lot of suitors, but oh well. Maybe I’m not supposed to have love right now, I don’t know. Like I said, I think way too much when I am on break, and I don’t have my job to drown my thoughts and feelings like I do during the semester. Yes, I love working, because it helps me numb everything (remember what I said about thinking being good and bad? Mhm). And the future…well, I plan on moving down to Nashville, Tennessee when I graduate (that’s what my plans are focused on for now). I’m going to continue working on my song writing, I even have a friend in Brockport that I have classes with that has offered to help me learn my guitar, even though she hates country music—got to love Elizabeth; and my short stories/novels. I’m going to look for a decent paying job, get my own place, and start paying off my student loans. Yeah, the only things I see in my future are really getting my life started and working on my career. No, I’m not a person who is driven by their career, so I’m not sure what to do, or think, when it comes to my future; not only do I want my career and independence, I also want love and to have kids and all of that. I want it all. Do I see a relationship or more than one in my future though? Am I going to finally get together with my bad boy friend? Am I going to be well-known for my writing and possibly my music? Will I do well when I someday move? All of these questions and more are hopping around in my head, and here’s the thing to all of them…the most common thread: I don’t know the answer, and the answers that I come up with here and there, they flip-flop in my mind; there is no solid answer.
Anybody have a magic eight ball that is known for giving correct answers, or someone that can read the future without trying to swindle you? I’m kidding. I don’t need one, because the great thing about not knowing everything that is going to happen is that you don’t take away from the adventure the Fates present you with, and you also don’t get to really learn from the mistakes or experiences you go through. So when the clock strokes midnight on Friday night and it becomes the beginning of my third decade, I won’t have someone to kiss as is usual for New Year’s Eve for me, but hey…I get a new year to play with. Goodbye mistakes of 2010, I’ve learned and used a lot from ya’ll…but I’m ready for a different beginning and start in my life.
On the left is Spike and on the right is Angel...God, I love a man with dark hair dressed in black...just saying =)
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